Let me tell you something; I am grateful. I am, really. I know that there are tons of people out there who can’t find work and even moreso since the pandemic hit. I know that people have spent months and months trying to find something that will help pay the bills and that I am so lucky.

But this isn’t about those people. This is about me. Everyone says to stop comparing yourself to others, but then they look at you and say “Be grateful, there are people way worse off than you” and while that’s true, isn’t that still a comparison? Just because someone is worse off than I am, doesn’t invalidate my feelings right?

So I’m a little bummed guys. About two years ago I lost my job unjustly and my friend hooked me up with a nice customer service position. It was all online chats and emails and all from home and paid $20/hr which was less than what I was making, but still such a good pay rate. I LOVED this job. It was easy to do, low stress and I was able to stay at home and play video games…I mean, clean and cook for my family.

But the company was a start up, and like so many small businesses recently, it’s gone under. We were told we had about a month and a half until we were done and I immediately went on the job offense.

I found some great options too! Some that brought be back to my roots, others that expanded my skill set and this job. The one I actually got. It’s merchandising and it pays peanuts but I was applying everywhere.

I never thought I wouldn’t get another offer — or I guess I did think that, because I accepted this job as a contingency plan and well, good thing I did, right?

It’s nothing major. Just stocking product in stores for grand openings and re-openings. It pays mileage and drive time and hotel stays if needbe and it’s a M-F work week 8–4:30. Not bad at all.

But not inspiring either.

I don’t know you guys, I look around and I see people doing their hearts desires and some are making decent money while others struggle, but they’re so happy and here I am…about to start a job that I may hate for little pay.

I know I know — don’t compare, but c’mon. I’m 31 years old and wasn’t I supposed to be changing the world by now? Wearing power suits and heels, living in a chique downtown loft or condo with a dog and a well stocked bar?

For the past 7 years I’ve worked at a job that I wasn’t super crazy about but paid super well and then a job that I loved that also paid pretty well and now look at me.

Once again, I’m aware that there are people who are way worse off. I should be grateful, and I am! I’m so happy that I have someplace to go! This job will pay my bills and could possibly be kinda fun depending on how I look at it. The work isn’t a skill, just stocking shelves, but a nice steady income that lets me travel a bit and have weekends off still sounds cool.

I have to get a new car (last job had a company car so I sold my personal car, and the other job was work from home so I never did replace it) and I am not looking forward to the headache of buying one, but it’s necessary.

I don’t know guys. I’ve been doing what many people have, I guess. Just wondering how I ended up here. How did I go from ready to conquer the world to no car, living with mom and still no idea what sort of work fulfills me?

This new job is pretty basic, but that’s okay honestly. I’d be okay with something like that if I knew what I wanted. I could at least volunteer you know? But I have no direction. There was no burning passions, no obsession that I just HAD to do and now I feel aimless.

Sorry about all of this, I know I need to buck up, but I’m glad I was able to get this off my chest.

I am a product of mixed America, learning to see the world for what it is: a giant mixing bowl of intrigue, wonder and beauty.